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i definitely agree with pia. no matter how hard we wish to "turn a new leaf’ we are still always painstakingly haunted by who and what we really are. ive been meaning to make changes in my life (those of which of couse is within my control). ive been keeping a journal, running a pen dry and making white carbon copies of past notes on blank pages, before they were even actually written on. im desperate to be heard without causing pain to people who i think i love, and who genuinely cares for me. ive been constantly seeking release from all these sick feelings that has been building up before i actually turn into an ugly gollum. ive been looking at the world through dark panes. i wouldnt want to lead a miserable life, and in doing so i end up making promises to change this, change that, but nothing permanent happens..  you’re proud that you’re doing good a few days after your resolution but you still end up being the old you.

well maybe the "leaf" is from european trees?- that sounds stupid but it is, its a western idiom. they change with the seasons but they still grow back that SAME LEAF..  you can never drastically  change anything. you tear a piece of paper, but only the size has changed, it still maintained its properties which makes it paper.. its all about cycles and converted things. so its not because i dont want to change, but you have to understand that i cant and its not physically possible.finally, its acceptance . . . acceptance of ones individuality..